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It was raining today so Kallus walked Cassie down to the bakery. They had chocolate strawberries and I hope she brings some home. Also Wedge is coming over for dinner?! I have a feeling that might not go well with anyone except Ezra, but as long as she's happy, I'm happy. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care. At least we'll have plenty to eat because he sent all this food yesterday. The vegan sandwiches were delicious, but I'm not giving him credit for that, they're from the bakery. That place is like a little heaven I tell you.

Tris and I took Ez to the doctor today so they could check up on her surgery. She's so brave, I don't know how she does it. I can't stand the hospital or the doctor or anything like that, gives me the proper creeps. It's not like I've never been to one, Pa used to take me to a nice place on Coruscant when I was little, but I try to go as little as possible... Anyways, she did real good and passed all her tests, which I expected of course!!

I honestly feel Tris has been acting a bit strange recently, but he's also been real sweet to me and I don't give him enough credit for it. He talked to me the other day and asked me if I was doing alright while I took care of Ezra, and of course it's no burden on me to help her out while she recovers--who would I be if I wasn't there for her?! Well I'd have to be bloody thrown off a cliff for that to happen. But I never would have expected him to check up on me like that. I hope I haven't been casting him to the side too much.

I woke up today and it was snowing! Ezra's been really sick and it was awfully scary this morning, but after she ate something she seemed to perk up, and we've kept her extra bundled up all day, just to be sure. It's a great day for Tristan because he loves to ice skate! It reminds him and Sab of their childhood home, there's a big lake there and it seems like it was always cold enough to go out on it. It's hard for me to fall asleep thinking that something could happen to Ezra and I wouldn't be there to help, but as long as stays as cozy as she looks right now, things should be okay.

Oh. My. God. So, you know what I said about Ezra not coming back until after New Year's? Well, apparently she planned to surprise me by coming home that night all along!! So I got my New Year's kiss in person! It's a real good thing she showed up, because I won't lie and say I wasn't having a shit night until then. It felt like everyone had left me... I had just started to settle in with Cassie and Kallus and Zeb, probably ruining any plans for the evening they had together, when I heard the door open and Ezra announced she was home. I nearly tackled the poor girl, but can you blame me?! She always seems to be just what I need. We woke up together this morning and it felt good, like a new year was supposed to feel, if that's anything. I hope Sabine had a good night. Tristan always seems fine to have his alone time, but I know Sab needs someone there, I know because we're too similar for it not to be true. But I would die before insulting Leia's skills with him. She knows him so naturally it's almost creepy, but mostly it's just romantic. I gave him a little kiss as a gift for the new year and almost regretted it entirely as soon as I'd done it (what am I ever thinking?!) but he did smile at me before leaving to go upstairs, so it can't have been all that bad. Anyway, I'm cozy next to the heater with Ezra right now, so things are okay. She looks even more radiant with her new hair - it's shorter and lighter colored now, I'm not sure if she did it or one of her friends did, but it looks amazing on her. Like she was born to wear it.

Thank the maker for this heater Tristan helped me bring in here. I'm drifting off as I type this...

So, this is it. The last day of the year. I think if this was a normal blog I'd do some sort of bittersweet retrospective of the year, but I know I'll dissociate if I try, so I'm not going to. Especially since my fiancee's still out of town, which doesn't seem to be the best for either of us. I can tell it stresses her out, being away. But she promised she'd stay until the new year, and she's not scheduled back for a few days. I know we'll all be so glad when she's back.

So.... where do I even begin?

I was going to write this entry earlier, but maybe I should be glad I didn't, because I have so much to tell you. I was talking with Kallus in the kitchen, and I was awfully sleepy, and he's been taking care of me a lot recently, and I let slip a question about my father. I only recently realised he knew my father at all. But, as always, there's so much I didn't know. Will my father ever run out of secrets for me? Not only did Kallus know my parents, he took care of me all the while. He was there when I was brought home from the prison I was born in, which is kind of embarrassing because everyone said I was as miserable and wet and cold as the ice moon I came off of, but somehow I can't bring myself to be ashamed. Part of me feels like I've known all along - I mean, why else was I so scared of him leaving me, of what his apathy towards me meant? I don't know, I don't know a lot of things. But one thing I do know is I can't live in the past anymore. Cassa has taught me that, Kallus has taught me that, Ezra has taught me that. I tried to remind Kallus himself when he kept apologising, and all I could say was that it's over, that I'm not going to let it happen again. Neither of us will, he assured me of that. I tried to show him my scars, then, because I didn't know if he'd seen them and they're so much more healed than when I first got them, but he could barely stand to look at them. It seems like I'm just realising for the first time how much I don't know what I'd do without him. That it's been true all my life. Something in me has always known that lullaby wasn't my father's, despite how much I chased it in him. It was Kallus who gave me the words to speak this grief, and he's helping me process it even now, especially now. It's definitely a lot. I know nothing will ever change the things that hurt about my past - who would I be without them? It's kind of a ridiculous thing to strive for, honestly. But I'll never let them make me into a coward again. I'll never let the dirt and cruelty of this world win. I've almost given my life to make it true before, and I'd do it now. It only makes sense that I'd die for what I live for. I'd die for Kallus, but don't tell him that - it'll make him sad. And besides, I think I can assure I'll be here for much longer. Who else would remind him to dust the top shelf in the washroom? I'm the only one who uses it.

This is what family is, isn't it? It's beautiful. I promise to never to take it for granted ever again.

I've been sleeping awfully recently, and I don't know why, because my mental health has been just fine! And "just fine" is more like "really good" for me. I've been waking up at weird times and it's been super dry out, but that's still no excuse to be sleepy all through the day when I've gotten more than my fair share of sleep that night. I have a theory that I have yet to prove, but I think there's been something in the hot chocolate Cassie has been making me. Just a little, so not enough that I'd notice right away, but it's there. I'm gonna confront her about it before I give her her present--I think I deserve the truth! Ah, who am I kidding. I'm never gonna get her to stop making that stuff for the life of me. And whatever's in it, I think I like it better that way... It's so velvety and smooth!!

For lunch today Ezra and Kallus and Zeb brought back some takeout (and some liquor ;P) and Hera saved some of those brioche buns with ice cream in them for Ezra since she's been asking for them... And let me tell you, eating one of those was like eating golden, holy bread from the heavens. I hope she starts bringing more food home from the bakery she works at, although I'd still rather her and Kallus have it first. He's been visiting the bakery more and more, oftentimes with Cassie, probably on romantic little dates where they share a milkshake... I think it's become something of a safe place for him, which is always good. I know he's like me, and not many places are safe like that for him. I hope I can contribute to making as many places safe for him as possible.

After lunch, me and Tristan finished up our Grinchmas, where we watch all three Grinch movies currently out. We didn't get through the last one cause Ezra was with us and we were all getting sleepy so we just headed upstairs, but it was kind of lame anyways, so I don't mind. Not sure if I would repeat this trend next year, but you never know until you try something. I have all of my presents wrapped except Sabine's present I got for his stocking. Tomorrow we're going to get together in the morning for breakfast with Hera and Trilla and Ahsoka, and then maybe we'll spend the afternoon playing games or something like that. Isn't it fun? The things you get to do on holidays with a family? And of course, I couldn't forget about my first family! I'm going to Bodhi's later in the afternoon to see him and Chirrut and Baze. Cassie's gonna give him their present and we're all gonna exchange charms like we do every year--we make unique charms for each other, often with a bead that has our first initial on it. Bodhi typically makes his with beads and Cassie makes hers with cloth. I made mine out of thread last year, but this year I have one with twine and shells for Cassie and one with leather and pearls for Bodhi.

Ezra's been packing to spend some time with her friends on Lothal for the new year, like some real time, not just a quick night spent in her tower. Of course I'm sad to have to miss her, but I'm glad she's going to get to see them. I know how important that place is to her. I hope it starts out her new year in good spirits.

Wow. Only 3 days away. Can you imagine that? I'm busy turning in some stray homework from before break that I missed... I'm not the tidiest student ever. I feel like I'm on my high again--I've been reading, eating, things like that, and I'm glad for it. Ezra and I went out last night to see White Christmas, her favorite Christmas movie, and we had bread and soup for dinner and we talked about Chicago and it was lovely. Zeb drove us around to see the Christmas lights and Sab even helped me put up some ornaments on the trees outside--by "helped" I mean he went and got the ornament bin for me so I could take it outside, but it really did help! I've started sending Tristan little pictures of Ezra when he's away, and to my surprise, he's done the same for me. It's quite nice to get a blurry picture of Ezra's or his own smiling face, or a stray shot of the tree all lit up, or a picture of Cassie sitting on the couch with her mug. Even Kallus has been out of his room more it seems. It just reminds me how safe I feel in this place. I shouldn't ever take it for granted.

Well, it looks like it's just the season for up and leaving without warning - Ezra left last night and hasn't come back. She said she's home, like, actually home, because obiously this place is only temporary, and that's always where she goes when she gets upset. I mean, I guess I understand. If I had a home to go back to I probably would like to visit every now and again. But I can't go back to any 'home' of mine without smelling the stench of burnt flesh in my nostrils or the sting of abandonment. It's just not exactly the vibe you want when seeking comfort.

The thing that prompted her leaving at all was the strangest thing... I mean, I know she's really powerful, maybe I don't give her credit for just how powerful, but she kind of lost herself for a moment and gave Tris a really gnarly bite. Whatever it was scared her so bad she ran off and we couldn't find her. Sab said she can handle herself, and he's right, but I wish I at least understood how to help her. She doesn't have to be scared of herself. I know her well enough to know that. But I'm sure she'll come around. I have so much faith in her. She's earned it.

My memory is so bad, I just hate it... I know it happens because you're not supposed to remember the bad things, but it sure makes you feel bad when you can't remember anything at all, right? I'm starting to see why Kallus always crawls into a hole this time of year. Speaking of which, I should check on him...

Tristan did end up coming back today, only to pounce on Ezra and promptly take up residence on the couch again, but a Tristan camped out on the couch is much better than no Tristan. Especially if you're Ezra. I haven't seen what he's done with Sabine's bike yet, but to Sab's credit, he doesn't seem to give a damn either way. I had been thinking he was spending an awful lot of time to himself, but I've realized he's just doing what he needs to do, and I'm glad. I really hope it's helping him. I would say as much, based on his change in attitude. The only thing I don't get is why him and Tristan are suddenly at each other's necks, but they are Mandalorians... I should probably be more surprised that they hadn't been doing this from the start. I guess I have a lot more to learn about them.

I'm getting really sick of the nightmares recently. I hate that it feels like my brain is constantly fighting against me so hard. Since Tristan really is back and doesn't seem worse for wear, maybe we can go out like I wanted to. It'll help take my mind off things. I should also try to talk to Sab, even if he's not ready to go out anywhere yet. It seems like the time is right.

Ezra stayed home from school today, which made it feel like a Friday even though it's a damn Tuesday. Better than Monday, at least. And one day closer to the end of the week. Sweet, sweet Friday and Saturday. I hate Sundays because that's always when Krennic would come over, but Friday and Saturday... what's not to love?

I was hoping maybe me and Ezra and Tristan could go out some time this week, but for some reason Tris decided to pick up and leave today - he said he'd be back soon, and I'll admit I've not had much practice keeping him on his word, but I sure hope he's telling the truth. It's cold out there, and Sab will be mad if he's gone, and Ezra will be upset, and then we won't get to go out shopping and have a dinner date. And I'll be sad too. So I really hope he comes back soon. He wouldn't even tell us where he was going, and it's not like people really have a higher rate of returning when they tell you in advance, but it still worries me all the same.

Also, I can tell this household has NO faith in my driving skills - just because I've made a FEW mistakes in the past doesn't mean I can't be trusted behind the wheel, I mean, come on guys. We would be nowhere if we didn't extend a little compassion to each other when we fuck up... and when I hit the tree it was completely because of my meds like come on do you really think I'd do something like that normally... Ezra's arguably worse than me, anyways. No offense, because it's so much fun to get in there and practice with her, but I can't say I'm not scared for my life sometimes. A lot of the time. The double standards in this house...

I've been having nightmares again. I don't want to be afraid to sleep like I used to be, but I've never found anything that fixes them. I hate them so much. I wake up sweaty and half out of my mind.

Today I was putting some photos in a photo book, and I had to look at photos from when I was young. Not when I was small, but my terrible preteen years. It's still hard for me to stomach those kinds of pictures, but I did it so I could pick out a few that I liked and throw the rest away. Reclamation, or something like that. I can't bring myself to be cruel to my younger self because I know how hard I was trying, but it hurts to look at it all the same.

Not to sound like an entitled little bitch or anything, but I hope Kallus gets me something expensive for Christmas. I'm all for the holiday cheer and everything, but the holidays don't stop me from feeling like right shit on some days. Especially with how I treated Ezra today - she told me to stay out of her room while Tristan was in there, and I don't have to give any hints on what I know they were doing, and it made all of my bones feel hollow inside like she had told me she never wanted to see me again. I mean, it's not the nicest thing to say, but she didn't mean to make me feel that way. But I had to go and intimidate her and act like I was all that just to make myself feel better, and it didn't even make me feel better because then she got upset, and we ended up just laying there for awhile until things were better again. I hope I can make it up to her. I told her I would get better for her, and I meant what I said. I want to earn her love, otherwise what's the point?! I'm done feeling like I don't deserve anything. But it's still up to me to keep myself in check.

It's almost Christmas, and I'm getting pretty damn excited to see what everyone's gotten everyone else. The family is so huge, there's always someone I feel like I've forgotten about. I know Kallus is gonna spoil his kids, but what about Cal, and Hera, and Kanan, and Trilla?? Will Dagan get us gifts, and will they be old fashioned like him?! I think I'd love that if he did. It's still surreal to be surrounded by so many people who I can call family... Even when I did have a family of my own, it wasn't this big. But I should think of this as my family too, right? I know that's what Ezra would say, it's just hard to convince myself of it... The fact that I might have the rest of my life to get accustomed to it is slightly terrifying, but I think I can work with it.

I've been playing Kallus' vinyls on his old record player, and Zeb LOVES the Sinatra record. I never pinned him as the type of guy to be a fanatic of oldies music, but I think he just has some sort of soft spot for Sinatra and Fred Astaire. So classy.

SO. Kallus took me to see the Nutcracker ballet on the opening night, and it was AMAZING. I was looking forward to it all week, but don't tell him that. We went to a nice restaurant first with Hera and she let me have a bite of her steak. Then we crossed the street and went to the ballet. It was really busy, and I can see why - ballet dancers are so talented! I love the way Kallus looks at them. I'm not sure if he knows I can see it, but he gets this look when he's watching the ballet that I've never seen him have any other time. He's not the most expressive, but you can just tell he connects with the grace and beauty of it all. He clapped extra hard for Clara and the snowflake dancers, which, have you ever even seen him clap for anything?! Not just a polite little golf clap, but an actual one that made noise. And all of the costumes were so beautiful... I just can't imagine what it would be like to have the kind of body control that ballet dancers do. It's bonkers. The sugar plum fairy and the nutcracker would do so many spins in a row and everyone was jumping and doing crazy tricks all across the stage. If I were ever in a ballet I would have to be one of the rats - I can't imagine any other role for me. I think Ezra would make a cute Clara or maybe Bo Peep with her tiny little sheep.

I'm just glad Kallus was willing to take me to something like that. It's not an opportunity you get every day, you know? And I don't think he was even going to do it until Hera convinced him. So I should really be thanking her. I think there's a lot of things in my life I could thank her for, if I'm being honest.

Also, I've been writing a lot about Tristan and how shy and cute he is, but I think he's getting more confident. He's been braver in his moves towards Ezra and he seems... less afraid of me, at least. He was trading some pretty brave insults with Sab in the group chat, but I guess that might just be how they talk. Anyone else would be terrified to say something like that to Sab's face. I wonder if Tristan even knows that.

I've been feeling a tad better today--must have been the ramen. I finally got one of my parcels in the mail after trifling about with the postage company... remind me to never buy anything for myself again... And I've just about gotten all of my Christmas shopping done. I bought gifts for a lot of people this year! It seems like it's more every year, and somehow I'm not too upset about it...?

Ezra and Tristan took their first shower together today, at least that I'm aware of--it's a wonder it wasn't yesterday, considering what was going on after dark, but I'll spare you too much of the details on that. Wink wink. Do you ever play those games where there's just writhing under the covers to let you know the characters are shagging? Like in the Sims? Well, Tristan has had a lot of time to study, I can tell you that.

Ez says I'm something of a "hacker"--it's not all that complicated to me, but maybe I come off like it is... I ought to work on my skills! I think Pa would be proud of me. Not sure if that's a good thing or not, but it's true. At least I'll never be a scientist. You couldn't pay me all the credits in the world for that...

Exciting news today: Sab came downstairs for more than 5 minutes to make a milkshake! It really seems like no matter how bad things get, he's always had a soft spot for Luke. She's so silly sometimes, but she gets into all of our hearts. Even Leia. Even if she would never admit it.

Ezra and Tristan have been flirting like hell, and it's all I can do to keep them from professing their love to each other in Shakesperean prose through their tied-up tongues. However, I do think Tris is like Cassie in that he doesn't really 'do' relationships - you can probably thank her for that, her influence is undeniable. It spreads to me every day; just this morning I found myself putting together a warm bowl of ramen unprompted! But I have been having wicked cramps and headaches for the past few days, and she was too busy coddling Kallus to make it for me, so that's my excuse.

Today was so dreary. It rained outside, Kallus didn't come out of his room, Leia's sick and I think I've caught it too. Right after I was talking about awesome it is that she's staying over... And Tristan has stolen Ezra for the third(?) night in a row!! Honestly, I do sleep better when there's a little action going on, I can't lie to you. I better wake up in pristine condition tomorrow.

Well... Something is definitely up with Kallus. Ezra found him in his closet today asleep and said he wouldn't let go of this book. I tried to ask about it but I think I only made it worse? And Cassie pulled me away before I could ask anything else. It seems like it's something to do with his past, which, if you know him, you know is a BIG no no... It seems like a handmade, handwritten diary of some sort, but not his... or that's what he said, anyways. I asked whose it was and he just said "hers" and looked off into the distance, which doesn't seem like a good thing. I just know it can't be anyone here today, which is probably why it upset him so much to look at. It's also ballet season, which isn't a good thing for him. But I overheard him and Hera talking about going to see the Nutcracker together, and I think that'd be good. She seems good for him. Just the right amount of ambitious and kind.

On another note, Sab seems a bit more talkative. Leia and Luke have been over so much, and we have plenty of room for them, so I'm glad! They seem to make all of our mental health a little bit better. Even when Luke makes really gross stuff in our kitchen like burgers with whole peppers on them. Why wouldn't you at least cut them up?!

You'll NEVER guess who texted me this morning asking me to come over and help him put up his Christmas lights. I missed Bodhi SO BAD!!! Going over to his place always feels like a breath of fresh air. There was already garland and a sprig of mistletoe up at his door, which I of course kissed him under, because what kind of friend do you think I am? And I got to walk his dog, too! The fat thing had a little red sweater on and everything. I guess going outside can be nice sometimes... Most of the time I just feel too shite to get out from wherever I'm currently hiding and get off my arse to do anything.

Tristan and Ezra are still playing that detective game. Or maybe they've started the next one already? They must not be long, because I know a lot of that time wasn't actually spent solving any puzzles... Kallus has also seemed avoidant today. If it's something to do with Cassie, I swear I'm going to force her to spend enough time with him until he feels better again. It always works!!

Holy shit. So I fell asleep at Bodhi's while him and Cassian were making out over some sparkly gay champagne and you'll never believe what I came home to. I knew my girlfriend was a charmer, but... she's got this guy hooked. I wasn't expecting to come back to them in the CLOSET when there's a BED right there... you know, so they could use it for chilling a foot apart from each other and doing something benign like watching TV... maybe one of those home design channels... Who am I kidding. At least I've got the bed to myself!

It was cold out today! I didn't get any pictures, I'll have to do that tomorrow when it's less windy outside. Ezra was wearing the cutest boots this morning - I think she's enjoying the weather! But not too much, because she's been snuggled up with Tristan since she got back home, talking about how cold she is. Kallus has seemed a bit melancholy, if that's really a fair statement to make about him, but hopefully a heater and some time with his boyfriends (ew) will fix him. Cassie has been spending too much time with me - I can always tell when it happens. She's been making hot drinks nonstop because you can take the Cassie out of the barista but you can't take the barista out of the Cassie, and she's never even had an official barista job!! I always swore it was something her mum did for her that she got as a habit but is too embarrassed to admit to me. And festive music is her favorite, too, which is something Ezra can relate to. They are weirdly similar, right?

I have to give it to Cassie, though. This hot cocoa is damn good. She puts a little bit of cinnamon in it and I love it. Wish me luck for how gnarly of a situation I'm going to find Tristan and Ezra in when I try to go upstairs for bed.

Today was Trilla's birthday. She apparently didn't tell anyone, but Cal made sure we knew anyways. To be honest, I hadn't remembered myself, so I guess she did a pretty damn good job at hiding it from us. I can't remember celebrating her birthday once on tour, and we toured for... what... 3 years? What have you.

Kallus fell asleep on the couch tonight, and he must have been conched the fuck out because I heard him sleep-quoting that Roger Rabbit movie for 2 whole hours. I just hope it's helping him...

Well, this is embarrassing. Don't tell anyone I told you this, but I fell the fuck asleep in Kallus and Zeb's bed last night. All it was supposed to be was an afternoon nap. And I never even made it back to my bed. Do you believe me that Cassie is rubbing off on me?! Speaking of her, the bed might as well be hers too at this point. I don't know if they're 'officially' dating cause Cassie doesn't really do relationships, but she's in their bed often enough I think I can call them whatever I damn want. At least her and Kallus made up. I was honestly scared of how things were gonna go if they didn't... you just never know with them. But don't fear. They're probably snogging in the kitchen as I write this.

It turns out Tristan plays a lot of games. He’s always on the couch doing something, and I have to give him credit cause whatever it is does not look easy. Recently he’s been excited for Ezra to play Fallout New Vegas with him, which they’ve managed to get through with minimal snogging. Tris appears to have played the games more times than he can count, but he thinks it’s fun to give himself arbitrary challenges, since I guess the game itself isn’t hard enough…? I’m not sure Ezra gets it either, but I’m good as long as they’re having fun. Sab is still pretty much nowhere to be seen, but what I have seen of him, he's looked better, definitely because Leia's around, so that's good at least. It seems he can sometimes be tempted out of his room even at the most dire of times by his favorite foods, and/or because he was asking Kallus for money to get his "limited" game cards. I can't judge, I've asked for his money for worse things. Much worse.

It seems you've reached the end. Are you, like, stalking me or something? Cut it out. (Just kidding.)